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Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013 11:30 am
afuna: Cat under a blanket. Text: "Cats are just little people with Fur and Fangs" (Default)
Grandma's ashes are here, I'm spending basically the entire afternoon at the wake and probably will do the same tomorrow, so if you look for me online and don't find me that's where I am.

Disabling comments because I am feeling completely unsociable, but I do appreciate any good thoughts (that would have been) said.

(This is a weird one. I'm going entirely by ritual, because, ritual).
afuna: Cat under a blanket. Text: "Cats are just little people with Fur and Fangs" (Default)
I originally meant to talk about combined knitting, which I've been playing with over the weekend, but instead you get this.

This has been building up for a long time now. Before you click through, I have to warn you that I'm bitter and angry and cynical, and this isn't happy reading. It isn't even productive ranting, and if you only met me recently, this may not make sense to you. I tried to explain, but the more I tried to explain, the more detached I started to feel, so I deleted that part half-done.

Please don't feel that you have to read this: I just feel like I have to write it.

potentially triggery for talk of medical stuff + death + grieving )
afuna: Cat under a blanket. Text: "Cats are just little people with Fur and Fangs" (Default)
Today is the fifteenth day of the seventh month according to the Chinese lunar calendar (which. I somehow think of today as being both August 24 and July 15, despite the fact that the seventh month in the Chinese calendar is not July)

July is the Ghost Month, and that sounds weirder in English than in Chinese, where it just sound pretty matter-of-fact.

I hate this day. Commemorating the dead is boring when you don't have any personal involvement. It's painful when you do. So, I hate this day :)

Ghost month, or month of the spirits: it's the month when it is believed that the spirits are closer and more active than any other month. It does not do to plan any new changes for this time of the year, especially not those that involve lots of construction or noise which could... arouse the anger of the spirits? I'm not a believer, and am barely superstitious (about this at least) but I do try to at least keep myself safer and in more stable situations than otherwise to appease my mom.

cut for personal stuff )

I guess it's a lot like the way some people are just a tad more careful of their surroundings when it's Friday the thirteenth, but this one lasts a whole month, and it involves an alay in the middle which is an, ughhhh. A day when you get together and burn incense and stuff to commemorate the dead?

(I'm frustrated with this post right now, because I can't think of the proper words for what I mean to say; it feels like the closest equivalents in english emphasize the wrong things, make serious and ritualistic the things that just need to be done, and glosses over the things that are important, so I end up distorting what I actually want to say.

So frustrating!)
afuna: Cat under a blanket. Text: "Cats are just little people with Fur and Fangs" (Default)
I dreamt last night that I was talking to my brother at the kitchen table, and he was perfectly all right. I remember not being surprised that he was there, but as I was putting a plate on the table, I turned to him and said, "So, Garrick, I haven't heard the details yet. How come you can walk again?"

And he shrugged, as if it was no big deal, and replied, "I don't know. It's all confusing and I don't really remember, but I was in the hospital (something about being delirious), and then I woke up and here I am." A pause. "But I hate the words 80m though. Makes me think of the pool..."

And then I sat there and thought about how I'd been at his funeral, and I wanted to ask the second question, but I couldn't because it might bring up too many bad memories for him, so I didn't. But, as if he knew what I was thinking, he suddenly grinned at me.

The idiot.

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Thursday, January 10th, 2008 09:28 pm
afuna: Cat under a blanket. Text: "Cats are just little people with Fur and Fangs" (Default)
Suddenly broke down and started crying today, and just as suddenly stopped.