8-24 is the new 7-15

[afuna]

Today is the fifteenth day of the seventh month according to the Chinese lunar calendar (which. I somehow think of today as being both August 24 and July 15, despite the fact that the seventh month in the Chinese calendar is not July)

July is the Ghost Month, and that sounds weirder in English than in Chinese, where it just sound pretty matter-of-fact.

I hate this day. Commemorating the dead is boring when you don't have any personal involvement. It's painful when you do. So, I hate this day :)


Ghost month, or month of the spirits: it's the month when it is believed that the spirits are closer and more active than any other month. It does not do to plan any new changes for this time of the year, especially not those that involve lots of construction or noise which could... arouse the anger of the spirits? I'm not a believer, and am barely superstitious (about this at least) but I do try to at least keep myself safer and in more stable situations than otherwise to appease my mom.


See, the thing with my mom is that I don't know if she believed it or not before, but then my younger brother got into a horrible freak accident at the tail end of the month of the spirits three years ago.

Mom swears that her best friend told her that one of her kids would be in danger from water during the month of the spirits, but she discounted it at the time. Since my brother's freak accident happened in a pool, well now she blames herself for his injury and his death.

It makes me angry that she blames herself for this, because none of this was under her control, and I know that in my anger is about as rational as her self-blaming, but irrationally, that just makes me all the more angry.

I have a big whole angry post devoted to this half-written in my head, but the closer I get to writing anything down, the more helpless and angry I feel, so I never actually get around to doing anything about it, which makes me feel also helpless and angry, but in a less intense way.


I guess it's a lot like the way some people are just a tad more careful of their surroundings when it's Friday the thirteenth, but this one lasts a whole month, and it involves an alay in the middle which is an, ughhhh. A day when you get together and burn incense and stuff to commemorate the dead?

(I'm frustrated with this post right now, because I can't think of the proper words for what I mean to say; it feels like the closest equivalents in english emphasize the wrong things, make serious and ritualistic the things that just need to be done, and glosses over the things that are important, so I end up distorting what I actually want to say.

So frustrating!)

Comments

[starlurker]

All language gets hard for me when I get angry, so I'm impressed that you're as clear and concise as you are here. Angry posts for me would be all MUST SMASH NOW RAAAAAAGE which can be helpful, but very limited.

I hope things get easier and better. One of the two would be cool, but both would be excellent.

[afuna]

♥

Considering how freaking *awesome* you are at writing i just ♥

[azurelunatic]

In some Western pagan traditions, it is not done to start new things during the fallow time between Halloween and the Winter Solstice, as it's the wrong time of year for new beginnings, and thus the symbolism is all wrong. It's very just-no, very matter-of-fact.

[afuna]

You know that makes sense within the context *g* (i wonder if the timing on the chinese lunar calendar for this time of the year was based similarly on the seasons?)

[vass]

I'm so sorry about your brother.

[afuna]

it was painful. Thank you ♥

[zvi]

If you need to say it, but you can't say it in English, say it in the language it makes the most sense to say it in. It's true that some of the people who read this journal won't be able to read your entry in your other language, but if you don't write the entry at all, they can't read it either.

And it sounds like you really, really need to write the entry.

[afuna]

*quietly* thanks. It never really leaves my mind, and I may just actually say let it all out one of these days, if that is what I end up needing to do. (In some ways I may need to speak more than I need to be heard -- and so, thank you )

[trascendenza]

Oh, sweetie, this all sounds so entangled and complicated and hurting inside :( This kind of thing has so many layers and thorns and all the stickiness of the relationship between you & your mom, you & your brother, and your mom & your brother, so it's very natural that it would be hard to even begin to get it out. I just hope that whatever outlets you do find are helpful to your process. ♥

[afuna]

♥♥♥

[chemicallace]

*hugs*

我会读你的中文。