Article on introversion
Thursday, September 30th, 2010 11:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
afunaThe article "Revenge of the Introvert" is certainly making its way through my circle. Like many others, I had a lot of lightbulb moments throughout this article.
The one that hit closest to home for me were the sections about dealing with other people. Specifically:
a.) as an introvert, you can force yourself to be sociable if absolutely necessary, but it takes a lot out of you.
b.) being an introvert does not mean you hate people. It just means you choose how to interact with them.
And these two things -- they have always haunted me with guilt! I don't like parties that much. because I find being in large groups of people tiring. Sometimes I may like everyone, like the venue, like what we're doing, but need to rest after just a short period of time. This is entirely unrelated to disliking anyone in the group.
I like listening more than I like talking; when I'm quiet, that doesn't mean I'm disengaged. That means I'm listening.
And well, I spent my teenage years convinced I was a horrible horrible person because I would come back from group outings happy -- and also completely zoned out and exhausted. I used to doubt myself because when in small groups, I am happier being a listener than a talker (I used to doubt that I was... good enough? To talk? Something!)
(Too-big groups stress me out because they're too big. Too-small groups stress me out because I feel pressured to leap into the conversation, even when I have nothing to say)
And guilt, oh the guilt haunted me that whenever I was with my family at events -- weddings, birthdays, whatever -- I just could not get the hang of small talk. I could only spend short amounts of time talking to people before I'd start to fade (a combination of wanting to fade into a wall, and a sort of visibly wilting from feeling tired and zoned out). I knew I was getting this reputation of being suplada (aloof/ice princess-ish), because I wasn't a people person and oh I hated it (I hated myself), so I tried to force myself to get out there and talk more; that backfired. I'd try hard; I'd also crash hard.
Eventually what I realized was that forcing myself to be more sociable than I needed to be was basically setting myself up for horrible miserable failure. I might be able to force myself to stay at an event, but once I was past my limits, I would start to become unresponsive at the event, and it would take me days (weeks!) to recover. It took me a long time -- a really long time -- to acknowledge that there was nothing wrong with removing myself from a situation that I didn't enjoy. Heeding warning signs did not make me weak.
Funnily enough, once I did come to this realization, I started to shed my awkwardness (most of it; I kept the good parts :-). I thought I had to be a people person in order to gain confidence. It turns out that all I needed was to know myself and respect my limits.
YOUNGER SELF I WISH THAT I COULD TELL YOU ALL THIS. On the other hand, my younger self would have been way too wrapped up in herself to believe me anyway.
(FUTURE SELF DON'T FORGET THIS? I'D LIKE TO LIVE A HAPPY CONFIDENT ADULTHOOD HELP ME YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE)
The one that hit closest to home for me were the sections about dealing with other people. Specifically:
a.) as an introvert, you can force yourself to be sociable if absolutely necessary, but it takes a lot out of you.
b.) being an introvert does not mean you hate people. It just means you choose how to interact with them.
And these two things -- they have always haunted me with guilt! I don't like parties that much. because I find being in large groups of people tiring. Sometimes I may like everyone, like the venue, like what we're doing, but need to rest after just a short period of time. This is entirely unrelated to disliking anyone in the group.
I like listening more than I like talking; when I'm quiet, that doesn't mean I'm disengaged. That means I'm listening.
And well, I spent my teenage years convinced I was a horrible horrible person because I would come back from group outings happy -- and also completely zoned out and exhausted. I used to doubt myself because when in small groups, I am happier being a listener than a talker (I used to doubt that I was... good enough? To talk? Something!)
(Too-big groups stress me out because they're too big. Too-small groups stress me out because I feel pressured to leap into the conversation, even when I have nothing to say)
And guilt, oh the guilt haunted me that whenever I was with my family at events -- weddings, birthdays, whatever -- I just could not get the hang of small talk. I could only spend short amounts of time talking to people before I'd start to fade (a combination of wanting to fade into a wall, and a sort of visibly wilting from feeling tired and zoned out). I knew I was getting this reputation of being suplada (aloof/ice princess-ish), because I wasn't a people person and oh I hated it (I hated myself), so I tried to force myself to get out there and talk more; that backfired. I'd try hard; I'd also crash hard.
Eventually what I realized was that forcing myself to be more sociable than I needed to be was basically setting myself up for horrible miserable failure. I might be able to force myself to stay at an event, but once I was past my limits, I would start to become unresponsive at the event, and it would take me days (weeks!) to recover. It took me a long time -- a really long time -- to acknowledge that there was nothing wrong with removing myself from a situation that I didn't enjoy. Heeding warning signs did not make me weak.
Funnily enough, once I did come to this realization, I started to shed my awkwardness (most of it; I kept the good parts :-). I thought I had to be a people person in order to gain confidence. It turns out that all I needed was to know myself and respect my limits.
YOUNGER SELF I WISH THAT I COULD TELL YOU ALL THIS. On the other hand, my younger self would have been way too wrapped up in herself to believe me anyway.
(FUTURE SELF DON'T FORGET THIS? I'D LIKE TO LIVE A HAPPY CONFIDENT ADULTHOOD HELP ME YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE)
no subject
Date: 2010-09-30 04:10 pm (UTC)I think my peers are pretty well clued in, but I need to figure out how to get my mom to understand the introversion thing. She'll call me on the phone and say stuff like, "Why are you so quiet? Don't you want to talk to me?" Guh.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-30 04:13 pm (UTC)I find for me, it's so much less stressful when I'm with friends who either are also introverts, or who at least can connect with the idea. Michelle and I often hang out on "cranky" days - going for dinner or watching tv together, but only having conversations in bursts. Ditto most of my other good friends; too many of whom just aren't convenient enough to hang out with often. On the other hand, I know that my family don't understand it, so I have to be "on" or I have to exhaust myself explaining that/why I'm exhausted, so I find that even more exhausting to anticipate and recover from.
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Date: 2010-09-30 05:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-30 05:52 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2010-09-30 11:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-30 05:59 pm (UTC)(My phone will not, apparently, let me change my icon. I do have an appropriate one!)
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Date: 2010-09-30 06:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-30 06:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-30 08:23 pm (UTC)Anyhoo, thanks for the link. It made my day. :)
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Date: 2010-09-30 10:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-01 02:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-04 03:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-02 02:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-04 03:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-05 02:39 am (UTC)(subtle lije a sledgehammer ... that's me :))
Love
r
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Date: 2010-10-07 09:52 am (UTC)*loves still*