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Sunday, September 20th, 2015 08:52 pm
afuna: Cat under a blanket. Text: "Cats are just little people with Fur and Fangs" (Default)
[personal profile] afuna

I've been thinking a lot about how I've drifted away from being defined by what I do.

As a teenager, I was heavily into anime fandom. I'd stay up until ~3am on dial-up to socialize with fellow fans on message boards and IRC. Eventually learned Japanese so I could understand, etc. Now, well it's been years since I even saw any anime, and I don't have any anime fandom friends anymore. (I have friends are still in anime fandom, but I don't talk anime/anime fandom with them).

I still play games, but I never identified as a gamer (not back when I was playing MMOs 8 hours+ a day, and certainly not now).

I enjoy programming, but I don't think of myself as a hacker (I enjoy building stuff, I enjoy the puzzle-solving aspect, I don't default to doing it in my spare time. And while I used to volunteer on other projects, these days I do my work, read tech-related articles, and call it a day).

I love books, but that's a pretty generic thing -- I don't love a particular series of books (and never have).

I enjoy knitting, but I haven't done it in a while, and it's not like I make new patterns.

I am geeky in general, but I don't think of myself as a geek anymore. A lot of things that give my little geeky heart a thrill have gone mainstream which is fantastic and amazing, but it seems ridiculous to go "oh I'm a geek" when there is nothing different in my level of affection or devotion from that of any person who considers themselves a non-geek. It's all normal now (I would have killed to make this happen as a kid; I luxuriate in this now).

But I feel like... like I've lost something somewhere. The ability to geek out and obsess over specific things? The desire to take something I enjoy and make it a part of my identity? I enjoy things still, I just don't have the intensity I used to have. And I don't know if this is because I don't make the time to foster my interests, or if it's because my outlook on life has just changed.

I'm happy though. I'm just no longer intense. I can't decide what that means.

Date: 2015-09-21 01:10 pm (UTC)
james: trees against a cloudy night sky (Default)
From: [personal profile] james
Oh, I know that feeling! It's been coming over me the last few years. I think it just comes with growing older and relaxing, maybe being more confident about yourself as a person and not having to cling to labels as a way to give yourself value? Like, I was always so proud of myself for being a Quilter or Fanfic Writer or whatever, and now I'm just.. yeah, I'm me, and sometimes I do things.

But I don't know that I did anything really deliberate to get this way, but I'm nearly 45 and I've just lost my energy for being intense about stuff.

Date: 2015-09-21 06:50 pm (UTC)
ninetydegrees: Photo: bingo chips (bingo)
From: [personal profile] ninetydegrees
But don't you have a wider range of interests and hobbies now? Instead of focusing to the point of being consumed by just one or two things.
I'm far less intense about some things too but I have more things I like doing now.

Date: 2015-10-04 11:29 pm (UTC)
prettymanly: sang min, h50 episode 1 (Default)
From: [personal profile] prettymanly
HAH. I remember those anime days.

I hear you, though. Get older, get less time and energy and so many other things. It's pretty good to just relax and take things as they are rather than chasing things. That burns up a lot of energy! But... it does mean I don't feel things as intensely and having all that BURNING PASSION AND GUTS was a fun thing while it was happening.

Date: 2015-10-04 11:29 pm (UTC)
prettymanly: sang min, h50 episode 1 (Default)
From: [personal profile] prettymanly
oh man, and now I'm flashing back to Slam Dunk fandom - remember that rpg?