(no subject)

[afuna]

skud's latest entry reminded me that I haven't been updating about life stuff because my life hasn't seemed exciting or interesting, but I do like rambling on about stuff I'm doing here. It's a comfort :)

So:

• I'm trying to learn python, just because. I itch for more... people? activity? interaction? maybe all of the above

• went to pycon ph. The python community is even friendlier than I'd expected :3 I kinda want to leap in and contribute somehow... somehow

• still doing makeup

• stripped off my makeup and put on jeans for the conference because ehhhhhhh I wish both modes of myself were compatible, but even if they might be ehhhhhhhhhhh wasn't doing that this weekend (i have a mental image of myself as bruce banner and hulk. Except that instead of green skin I get sparkly pink stuff all over me)

• I was chatting about pycon with a friend and he remarked that the tech scene in the PH seems young and vibrant. Thoughts about that bouncing through my mind, not sure I'll ever gather them enough to be useful but... yeah thoughts

• back to hooping again :) I'm trying to do it at least once a week -- hopefully more, but realistically I can't do it much more often than that especially since uhhh

• I signed up for capoeira classes. umm. stuff. grace. balance. stuff

• I have recently realized that my mental image of myself as being physically awkward, unable to move my body properly, not very put together/groomed might be a bit out of date. I'll never be naturally graceful, and I'll always be clumsier than most people, but... it has slowly dawned on me that when I dance people don't see me as "the awkward person dancing", I'm just a person who dances who may have awkward moments but not extraordinarily different in degree from anyone else

  (note: the above was not me going from low self-esteem to high self-esteem or whatever. I really was super awkward; it's just that years of dancing even while awkward has actually changed the way I moved, without my realizing it)

• "X got cancer even though he's vegetarian; probably he wasn't eating organic" -- I'm tired of food issues :( I refuse to engage anymore

• Still not cooking

• OH OH I danced with a fire hoop two weeks ago :) I still haven't watched that video though; afraid of what I'll see

  (I managed to snort fire up my nose oh god I hope nobody noticed)

• I also need to watch the video of the talk I gave at LCA... but still afraid of what I'll see. haha. ha.

• completely exhausted from pycon, even though I didn't really do anything. but still exhausted so off I go

• ETA: tomorrow is definitely a day to put on neon lipstick, cheery nails, and just stay at home and code

  (I thought I could resist until tomorrow but have slathered on purple balm before bed :-))

Comments

[synecdochic]

(i have a mental image of myself as bruce banner and hulk. Except that instead of green skin I get sparkly pink stuff all over me)

best way of thinking about that feeling EVER. (I totally know what you mean! i am exceptionally butch-presenting. EXCEPT WHEN I'M NOT. sometimes i feel like my gender identity is BECAUSE FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY.)

(note: the above was not me going from low self-esteem to high self-esteem or whatever. I really was super awkward; it's just that years of dancing even while awkward has actually changed the way I moved, without my realizing it)

FWIW, I have never seen you dancing, but every time I have seen you, I've never seen you as "physically awkward, unable to move [your] body properly, not very put together/groomed". There have definitely been times when you've looked a bit like you aren't entirely sure where you are in space and aren't 100% certain of where all your limbs are, but few and far between (and, I mean, everybody gets those!) And you dress very 'well' (by which I mean, clothing that is appropriate for the environment, suits your body type, is properly sized and kept up, and all works together to convey a coherent style, not "dresses super fancy") -- your style works very well for you. So, yeah, I definitely think that's an outdated self-impression. :)

and ugh, I still haven't watched your LCA video either! I NEED TO DO THAT AND GIVE YOU FEEDBACK I AM A BAD BOSS

[momijizukamori]

sometimes i feel like my gender identity is BECAUSE FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY.

SIGNED. 'why are you wearing black lipstick' BECAUSE I CAN.

[afuna]

YES EXACTLY. BLACK. ORANGE. PINK. PURPLE. NEONNNNNNNN EVERYTHING

[momijizukamori]

COLORSSSSSSSS

There is a place in my life for no-makeup makeup but there is a much larger place in my life for COLORS.

[afuna]

I keep trying to put on no-makeup makeup (like I've got the theory down pat I think....) but I often find myself going back and adding colors :3

[alexbayleaf]

Cosign on the awkwardness/presentation thing -- that's pretty much my impression as well, having met you on multiple occasions :)

I feel you SO MUCH on the dressing-for-tech-events thing. No matter how femme a phase I'm in, I very rarely manage to femme up for a tech event (last year's OSB being an exception). And then I dress butch to fit in but feel horrible. Ugh ugh ugh.

[fu]

The one time I tried it (granted it was a half-tech half-marketing event, more like a meetup than anything technical), people treated me really weird and called me miss. UGHHH :(

I don't wear jeans except at tech conferences and the like but I really appreciate the almost anonymity they offer! (EXCEPT THEN I FEEL WEIRD LIKE I'M NOT MYSELF BUT... but maybe I'd really rather that people not see me in those contexts so it balances out in a really weird manner)

[fu]

IT IS OKAY I HAVEN'T WATCHED MY LCA VIDEO EITHER