Sunday, September 20th, 2015

(no subject)

Sunday, September 20th, 2015 08:52 pm
afuna: Cat under a blanket. Text: "Cats are just little people with Fur and Fangs" (Default)

I've been thinking a lot about how I've drifted away from being defined by what I do.

As a teenager, I was heavily into anime fandom. I'd stay up until ~3am on dial-up to socialize with fellow fans on message boards and IRC. Eventually learned Japanese so I could understand, etc. Now, well it's been years since I even saw any anime, and I don't have any anime fandom friends anymore. (I have friends are still in anime fandom, but I don't talk anime/anime fandom with them).

I still play games, but I never identified as a gamer (not back when I was playing MMOs 8 hours+ a day, and certainly not now).

I enjoy programming, but I don't think of myself as a hacker (I enjoy building stuff, I enjoy the puzzle-solving aspect, I don't default to doing it in my spare time. And while I used to volunteer on other projects, these days I do my work, read tech-related articles, and call it a day).

I love books, but that's a pretty generic thing -- I don't love a particular series of books (and never have).

I enjoy knitting, but I haven't done it in a while, and it's not like I make new patterns.

I am geeky in general, but I don't think of myself as a geek anymore. A lot of things that give my little geeky heart a thrill have gone mainstream which is fantastic and amazing, but it seems ridiculous to go "oh I'm a geek" when there is nothing different in my level of affection or devotion from that of any person who considers themselves a non-geek. It's all normal now (I would have killed to make this happen as a kid; I luxuriate in this now).

But I feel like... like I've lost something somewhere. The ability to geek out and obsess over specific things? The desire to take something I enjoy and make it a part of my identity? I enjoy things still, I just don't have the intensity I used to have. And I don't know if this is because I don't make the time to foster my interests, or if it's because my outlook on life has just changed.

I'm happy though. I'm just no longer intense. I can't decide what that means.